Pokemon: Amazing Chocolate Fudge Covered Version
by Galefire
Summary: Red, a ten year old boy with big dreams, is ready to begin his journey to become a Pokèmon master. However, things are a lot... weirder, then he expected. With a creepy Professor, a depressing mom, and a whiny rival, will he ever be able to fulfill his dreams? And more importantly, can he find the rare sugar-coated Charmander? Rated T for language. On Hiatus.
1. Chapter 1: Gender is important!

In the dead of night, one boy lays awake in his bed, a happy smile spread from ear to ear, his hands shaking in exitment as visions of sugar-covered Charmanders danced in his head.

Man, this kid has weird fetishes.

He was clad in his usual wear. A large, red hat stood a top his head, which makes no sense at all because he is, in fact, in bed.

And no, he wasn't in bed with Leaf or Gary, so stop thinking like that.

Aside from that he was wearing a red jacket and jeans and blah blah blah, let's get to something intresting.

"I can't belive tomorrow I begin my journey!' He thought with joy. 'My journey to become the king of card games!"

"Wrong series you stupid dick!" A random cizvilian yelled.

'Crap, sorry! My journey to become a Pokemon master!"

Red rolled over, his mind deep in thought.

"Who should I chose?" He considered. "There's Bulasaur, the... Wait, what the hell is that thing? It's like some weird dinosaur, plant crossbreed... Man, Gamefreak must have some execellent meth over there. Hmm... I wonder of they'd give me some..."

Suddenly, the two hands grabbbed firmly onto his side, causing his eyes to widen. He felt the figure that was gripping him lean in. Breathing heavily on his ear, it whispered:

"Are you a boy or a girllll~"

Red let out a yell of surprise and slapped the man across the face. The figure stumbled backwards into the light, revealing it to be...

"Professor Oak?" Red questioned, looking surprised.

"Hello young child. Are you a boy or a girl?"

"Can't you tell?"

"Are you a boy or a girl?"

"We know each other!" The boy fumed. "I've lived next to you all my life! Hell, you've been stalking me ever since! You were at my baby shower, all my birthdays, and for some reason, you were there when my parents got me neutered! So how do you not know?"

"..." Professor Oak didn't say.

"..."

"..."

"...Are you a boy or a girl?"

Red sighed in annoyance. "Boy."

Suddenly, Oak was all up in his face.

"I don't belive you!" He hissed.

"Then I'll show you-" The soon to be trainer hissed, crossing his arms.

"Really!"

"-My birth certificate."

"Oh." Oak seemed a little disappointed. "That's alright. Anyways, I'd like to introduce you to my Grandson, he's been your rival since you were babies," He said, gesturing to a spiky-haired boy who had just stepped out of the shadows.

"You were always stealing my rattle!" He hissed.

Red blinked. "Wait, I don't even know this kid! How the hell is he my rival?"

The professor ignored him. "Erm... What was his name again?"

"What the f*ck gramps!" The kid yelled. "How do you not know my name?"

Despite the awkward situation he was in, Red decided to poke a little fun. "I think it was Douche. Yeah, pretty sure it was Douche."

The boy glared at him. "I know my Grandpa and he won't fall for something as stupid as-"

"Ah! Douche, I remember now!"

The newly named Douche spun around, a surprised look in his eyes. "What?!"

Red laughed a little.

Oak sacked his grandson and threw him out the window. "Now I belive you're ready for your Pokemon journey! Meet me in my lab later, and remember, things can only get better!" The professor gave him a wink and jumped out the window.

The boy raised one eyebrow. "Nevermind Gamefreak, I don't want your meth. Apparently I've had enough to last a lifetime."

~~*The next day*~~

Red was sitting at the table, eating a box of sugared Pikachu's, (It's a cereal, okay?) when his mom walked up to him.

"Red, honey, since you're heading out on an adventure soon, I think it's time I told you some good news.

"What?" The brown haired boy asked, looking mildly interested.

"... You're adopted."

Red looked up in shock. "How is that good news?"

"Also, you know how I said Dad was on a business trip? Yeah, he's actually dead."

"Wh-"

"And your brother, Ash, has become the Pokemon master! With his dear friend, Pikachu!"

"Well, thats not too ba-"

"Or, at least he is in his mind. He's actually in a coma." Red's mom told him, not looking upset at all.

"Oh."

"..."

The was an awkward pause.

"Did I tell you I was a stripper?" She asked.

"No, you definatly didn't tell me that." Red sighed.

"Also I've been taking advantage of you in your sleep."

"Wait wha-"

Red's mom pushed him out the door. "Bye honey! Have a safe trip! Try not to get torn apart! And Red," She she called, eyes holding a new seriousness. "If anything happens..."

Red turned to look at her. "What?"

"Don't call me." She told him, slamming the door.

The boy blinked, sighed, and then turned to make his way over to the professor's lab.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?" Professor Oak yelled, jumping out from behind a plant.

Red screamed like a little girl and backed up... Right into Douche.

"For the love of- My name's Gary!"

I'm sorry, I can't hear you. I'm to busy NOT breaking the fourth wall.

Douche grumbled under his breath.

"Wow Red, I didn't know you were a girl," The professor commented. "That should make things a lot more, _interesting_."

Red felt sick.

"Anyways, there's three Pokemon to chose from. One for the little girl, and one for the douche, the other gets sent to the slaughterhouse. Any questions?"

The two boys exchanged nervous glances.

"Er, no." Douche murmured.

"Good! Now Red, you get first pick."

"What?!" Douche yelled. "But I'm your freaking Grandson! Why does he get to go first?!"

"Because I like him better, if you know what I mean!" Oak wiggled his eyebrows.

"Erm, right." Red said, ginger walking towards where the Pokemon are. Eyes full of curiosity, he inspected the first ball.

"In that Pokèball is a shiny Rayquaza. That thing's useless, so I don't recommend it."

Nodding in agreement, the boy took a good look at the next one in line.

"In that Pokèball is a Pedophile. It is, how you say, very energetic."

Red pushed the Pokèball away from him before moving onto the last Pokèmon.

"In that Pokèball is Pikachu. Usually, they're pretty weak, but thankfully, this one's been on steroids since Tuesday."

"I'll take it!" Red yelled suddenly.

"Seriously?" Douche snarled, pushing past him. "You'd take that thing and leave this mighty beast for me?"

The other boy snatched the ball that Pedophile was in.

"Ha!"

Oak smiled and walked up to the two boys.

"Here are your Pokedexs." He said, handing them two small devices. "They record all you need to know about Pokemon of this region."

"Like what moves they can learn?" Red asked excitedly.

"Well, no..."

Douche raised and eyebrow. "What about how you evolve them?"

"No, but-"

"If they evolve or not?" The other boy questioned.

"Well-"

"What they're weak against?"

"N-"

"What they're good against?"

"Sorry, but-"

"How to breed them?"

"Unfortunatly, no." The professor sighed.

"Then what can they do?" Douche asked in an annoyed voice.

"They can tell you it's hight and weight!"

Red looked disappointed. "Well, that's useless." He grumbled, shoving it in his backpack pocket. He was just about to walk off when Douche called out to him:

"Hey Red!"

Red spun around.

"I challenge you to a Pokemon battle!"

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**...**

**That was a weird chapter. **

**Anyways, thanks for reading and all. I hope this story becomes more sucsessful then my other two Pokemon fanfics. **

**I'd really appreciate some reviews, as I'm having some motivation problems right now. **

**Thanks!**

**~*Galefire*~**


	2. Chapter 2: Battling equals Breeding?

**Thanks to USA-As-In-Bunny for reviewing! **

**:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::**

Red spun around in surprise.

"A battle? But I don't know how to do that!" He protested.

Douche sneered at him. "Don't worry, my creepy Grandpa will tell you all you need to know about it!"

Oak, hearing what his grandson had said, cleared his throat and began the lecture.

"Pokemon battling is like breeding." He started.

"Oh god no! Stop talking right now!" Douche protested, looking a little ill.

"It usually contains a lot of swift, jabbing motions, and liquids spill often. The two try to hit each other's weak spots, and if they're lucky, they'll get a criticle hit."

Red held his mouth to keep himself from throwing up.

"There's a lot of screaming. Some hits are super effective, others not very. And in the end, someone always faints."

Red blinked. "That made way too much sense."

"I hate you for making that comparison." His rival sighed, face still green.

"Love you too, baby." Oak responded.

Douche turned red with embarrassment, but made no remark.

"Now Red, there's no way you could of actually learned something from th-"

"Actually, I think I've got this."

"What?!"

"Yeah," Red told his rival confidently, "Oak's instructions were enough. I'm ready to battle!"

Douche swallowed. "Al- alright." Pulling the Pokèball out of his pocket, he threw it in the air. "Go! Pedophile!"

A bright light flashed, and out emerged a large, burly man, dressed in all pink.

"Hello little children, you want some caaannnddy?" Pedophile screeched.

Red shuddered. "Eww."

Reaching for his belt, he grabbed the Pokèball that was connected to it. Hoping for the best, he hurled it at the ground.

It shattered into peices.

...

...

...

Heh heh.

Oak looked up and said: This reminds of the time I got glass stuck up my-"

Douche threw a pillow at him.

Suddenly, the rubble began the shake.

Everybody looked at it in horror.

It shaked some more.

Douche screamed like a girl.

More shaking.

More staring.

More shaking.

More screaming.

More shaking.

More humping- I mean... Staring.

The professor chewed on his peice of shiny Rayquaza thoughtfully.

Then, out from the pile of Pokèball crap, emerged a Pikachu, rubbing it's head in pain.

"Oww," The yellow creature moaned, "What the f*ck was that for?" It pointed it's finger at Red accusingly.

"I'm sorry-"

"Oh, you're sorry! You're sorry for chucking me at the ground and nearly breaking my spine! Because I'm totally alright with that!"

"Look, I didn't-"

"I was taking a nap!" The Pikachu snapped. "Do you know how tiring getting caught by one old coot can be? Really freaking tiring!"

"Look I-"

"No! Look at me! I'm not going to stand for you constantly throwing me everywhere!"

"It happened once!"

The Pikachu was yelling now. "But if I don't stop you immediately, then next thing I know, you'll be throwing me everywhere!" He fumed. "Day in and day out, from moonrise to moonset, everywhere, anywhere, you'd be throwing me! And I don't want that!"

"How many holes are on that little thing?~" Pedophile asked.

"Stay out of this!" Pikachu screamed. Electricity flew out from its cheeks, forming a bolt in mid-air and striking the Pedophile.

"Ooh!~" The man swooned as he was reduced to ashes, "I knew you'd be the one to make the first blow!~"

Douche gaped at the little yellow mouse.

"His name is Sweetypoo~" Oak said with a smile.

Everybody stared at him.

"It's true," The Pikachu muttered shamefully.

"Nooooo!" Douche yelled, "I picked the wrong Pokemon!"

"You chose a Pedophile, what did you expect?" Red asked.

"True." The spiky haired boy mumbled with a frown. "At least I wasn't stuck with that Rayquaza."

"Girls, girls, you're both pretty." The professor said, holding out his arms. "Though Red's smoking hot, if I do say so myself," He winked at the boy.

Douche stood up from the ground, because apparently he had been sitting, and retracted the pile of ash.

"Gramps could I maybe have a new Pokemon?" He asked. "no offense but, this one sucks huge smelly balls."

"Yeah! Could we maybe get a Jigglypuff? Or maybe a Sunkern?" The other boy asked excitedly.

"Ahahahahaha!" Oak laughed, clutching his stomach. "Ahahahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Ha... Ha... Get out of my office."

The two boys blinked in surprise as the door slammed shut behind them.

"That was weird." Red commented.

His rival ignored him, as he was too busy pouting.

"But I wanted an Igglybuff!" He whined. "They're so strong!"

"Oh please," Sweetypoo commented. "I eat Igglybuffs for breakfast. And steroids."

The two boys looked at him in horror.

"The sad thing is I'm not even joking."

Douche kicked the ground, sighing sadly. "Today has just sucked." He moaned. "My Pokemon sucks, my grandpa hates me, and I lose a battle. The only good thing that happened is I finally managed to cover the town in gasoline!"

"Mhm..." Red mumbled, not caring. "Hey Sweetypoo, do you know any cool moves?"

"Well, I do know one..." The Pikachu replied slyly.

"What? Show me!" His trainer said anxiously.

So Sweetypoo used Self-destruct

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**That was a fairly short chapter, but I think it came out good.**

**Note: This, along with my other stories, won't be updated for two weeks starting now. However, when I'm back, there should be plenty of new updates!**

**Thanks for reading! I would REALLY appreciate some feedback! **

Thanks!

~*Galefire*


	3. Chapter 3: Douche catches Dialga?

Red awoke groggily, eyes fluttering open. Everywhere around him was stained chacoal black and smelled like his mother's cooking. The air was filled with dark grey smoke, and Sweetypoo was nowhere to be found.

'Good,' Thought Red.

Getting to his feet, he felt a weight shift on his head.

'Please be my hat, please be my hat, please be my hat!'

"Hey, could you stop moving, I'm trying to sleep!" A voice grumbled from above.

"... F*ck."

In one swift motion, Red grabbed the Pikachu by it's leg and threw it to the ground. As the dust cleared, the boy figured out it was not, in fact, his Pokèmon, but instead was his rival.

"Jerk," The boy muttered, rising to his feet.

"Douche," Red shot back.

"What?"

"... Nevermind."

It was then that Douche got a good look at his surroundings.

"Woah! I love what the did with the place! Seriously, the palm trees were an excellent touch!"

The other trainer raised an eyebrow.

"And look at that garbage bag!" The rival pulled out a Pokèball. "I've got to catch it."

"Ha! A garbage bag being a Pokèmon! That's just stupid!" Red laughed.

"Tell that to gen. 5" Sweetypoo muttered.

Red's heart stopped.

"Please be my... hat?"

"Why so you can throw me around?" Pikachu snarled.

"That happened-"

While the two were arguing, Douche was busy throwing a Pokèball at the bag over and over again.

"Darn it, Celebi! Why are you so hard to catch?!" He yelled.

Red stopped fighting just in time to hear this.

"Is Douche... Alright?" He asked.

Sweetypoo shrugged. "The effect of the explosion may have damaged his brain, a little more then usual I mean. It should wear off soon."

"Where did my porpoise go?" The spiky haired kid yelled.

Red grabbed the Pikachu. "How soon?"

After a long half an hour, the three tarvellers decided to set out camp just outside of their town. It wasn't a very good camp, mainly because Sweetypoo sitting in a corner ranting about 'them damn trainers!', Douche kept putting out the fire, whining about how he didn't want 'Heatran' too close to him and Red was the only one actually trying.

In the end, it was just a pile of burnt wood, a paper clip and some lint.

"I knew I should of taken Girl Scouts when I had the chance." Red groaned, sitting on the ground.

"And then she was like 'Honey! The baby's coming!'" The Pikachu ranted, "And the I said 'that's what she said' so then she kicked me in the nuts and called me a Dickweed. That's why I hate trainers."

"Cool story bro." Pedophile grinned, licking his lips.

"So, what's it like being Douche's Pokèmon?" Red asked, trying to stike up some conversation.

Pedophile looked confused. "I'm not his Pokèmon! I'm his sister!"

"... But you're a boy."

"I know."

The trainer just sighed. "Alright." He wasn't even going to question it. "Hey, where did Douche go?"

"He went to go catch some Pokèmon," Sweetypoo told him. "Said he needed a powerful beast to help him beat the moon."

"... I'm scared."

"Me too."

"Hey girl's!" A voice rang out from the bushes, easily recognizable as Douche's. "Did you miss me?"

"You were gone for five minutes!" Red exclaimed.

"I know, that's way to long!" The other boy sighed. "I shouldn't be so risky!"

"So did you catch anything?" Pedophile asked. "Something I could, 'befriend'?"

Red shuddered.

"No," Douche grumbled, kicking the ground. "I was trying to catch a Charmander, but all I found was these stupid orange lizards!"

"Uhh... Douche?" Red asked.

"And some of them had wings!"

"Douche."

"And the funniest thing was, some stupid person tried to fool me by leaving a bunch of purple Pokèballs everywhere! But I knew better!"

"You are an i-"

"So I set them all on fire."

"You... what?" Red's eye twiched slightly.

"I know right?" Douche laughed. "I was think of using one of them to catch one of the lizards, but there was something wrong with it. It was like, covered in sugar or something."

"S- sugar?"

"Yeah," The other trainer agreed. " So I let it go."

"Sugar."

"Oh no!" Sweetypoo exclaimed. "Take cover."

"SUGAR?!"

Douche nodded enthusiastically.

The other boy was breathing heavily. "You... I... Sugar... Charmander!"

There was a moments pause.

"YOU F*CKING IDIOT!"

"No. It's Dou-" The boy was interrupted by a punch in the face.

"I SWEAR IN THE NAME OF ARCUEUS I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR LIVER AND STRANGLE YOU WITH IT!" Red screamed.

"Hey, listen to that~" The Pedophile nudged Sweetypoo. "He wants to explore his body."

"Heh heh, yeah..." The Pikachu agreed over the screaming.

"AND THEN I'LL GET MY MOM TO EAT YOUR FACE OFF AFTER I CONSUME ALL OF YOUR HAIR!"

"Sounds good to me!" The other boy giggled.

Red let out an enraged scream and threw himself at Douche.

"I don't think we used enough bear tranquilizer." Pedophile commented, looking down at Red.

Sweetypoo glared at him. "Well to bad, I used up my entire barrel of it."

The man crossed his arms. "How the hell is he still conscious? This makes it way too hard to take advantage of him!"

"Guy's I'm alright." Red sighed. "You can take off the straight jacket now."

the two Pokèmon exchanged glances.

"Let's test it." The Pikachu suggested.

The other Pokèmon nodded in agreement.

Sweetypoo took a big breath the whispered:

"Sugar coated Charmander."

*Snap*

The boy began twiching all over. "I'm fine! I'm fine!" He laughed manically. "It's just a rare, once in a lifetime Pokèmn. Heh... Heh... Ha! I'm fiiinnnee~"

"Seems alright to me." Douche commented.

"Douche, he could be on fire and he'd look alright to you." Sweetypoo shot back.

"You're point?"

The Pikachu shrugged. "I have none. Let's let him out."

After five hours of figuring out how to remove a straight jacket, the four... Erm, companions, were on there way again.

"Well," Red commented, looking at the Town Map(tm), "As long as there's no pointless distraction's we should make it to the next city in about ten-"

Suddenly, Douche stopped in his tracks. "Hey! Look!" He yelled, pointing at something.

"Oh for f*cks sake," The other boy sighed.

"What is it now?" Sweetypoo groaned, looking up from his resting place on his trainers head. "I'm trying to make love to Red's hat!"

"Reming me to wash that when we get back." Red told his Pikachu.

"No."

The spiky haired kid gasped. "I- I don't believe it!" He stuttered staring at something.

Red looked over his shoulder in curiosity. His eyes narrowed when he saw what his rival was looking at.

"Seriously." He sighed.

Pedophile looked exited. "I can't wait to jam that up my-"

"It's just a Caterpie." Pikachu muttered in confusion.

Douche was shuddering in exitment. "It's... Dialga!"

"What." Red moaned. It wasn't a question.

Sweetypoo face-palmed.

"I found it! I found Dialga!"

"That's not Dialga!" the other boy cut in.

"No, that's definatly it!"

Red grit his teeth. "The explain. How, in the name of all things Arceus, is that bloody Dialga?"

Douche grinned. "It has teeth."

"No it dosn't."

"Well... Umm, it has... Umm... Ears! Yeah. Look at those ears!"

The rival's rival narrowed his eyes, seething with annoyance. "Neither Caterpie nor Dialga have ears!"

"Fine." The boy crossed his arms. "The Dexterella will prove you wrong!" He yelled, reaching for his Pokèdex.

"Dexter... Ella?"

"What you don't name your Pokèmon?"

Douche smiled wildly as he opened the red machine. Lifting it up to his eye level, he scanned the Caterpie.

"Hight: 200'4. Weight: 200.34 ibs. Geez, what a fat-ass." The Pokedèx told them.

Douche threw Dexterella on the ground. "There's your proof!" He exclaimed. "And now, I'm going to catch it!"

Red groaned. "This won't end well."

Sorry if this chapter isn't as good as the others. I've been on vacation and have had other thing's on my mind. Thankfully, I found some Internet connection and managed to update!

Yay!

HUGE thanks to USA-As-In-Bunny and Bravobravo for reviewing!

Review are very, very appreciated.

Thanks for reading!

~*Galefire*

Longest chapter yet!


	4. Chapter 4: Packages and girly things

Douche glared down upon the Pokèmon, eyes full of determination. Behind him, Red was grumbling in annoyance, trying his best to keep away from Douche's Pokèmon: Pedophile.

This went on for a couple hours, as Douche thought catching a Pokèmon involved a long staring contest. Thankfully, it actually doesn't.

Sweetypoo crossed his arms in annoyance.

"Is something supposed to happen?" He asked.

"Apparently." His trainer told the Pikachu.

"Oh... I don't see much something."

"Nor do I."

"..." Sweetypoo thought for a moment. "Maybe he died."

Red grinned at the idea. "Hopefully."

Suddenly, Douche sprang into action. Grabbing Pedophile, he threw the 'Pokèmon' at the Caterpie.

"Everybody knows you can't catch a Pokèmon without weakening it first!" He proclaimed proudly.

Red sighed. "Yes you can."

"Well not Di- Pedophile what are you doing?!" The rival suddenly yelled. "Good lord, stop it!"

The Pikachu's mouth dropped open. "That's just wrong."

"Dear god, is that his-" Red gasped.

"Junk!" Douche cried. "This Pokèmon is junk!"

"Finally." Sweetypoo looked relieved. "I think Douche's okay now."

"And that's why I need this Dialga!"

"... Nevermind."

Douche grabbed two Pokèballs and-

"Heh... Balls." Sweetypoo laughed.

Shut up.

"Pedophile, return!" He cried, retracting the man. Douche cast a glance at the Caterpie. "You're mine Dialga!"

The Caterpie looked confused. "I-Is he high or something?"

"God I hope so." Red replied.

Pedophile nudged the boy. "Come with me and I'll make you sky high!~"

"N-no thanks."

"Wait, didn't Douche just-" Sweetypoo was cut off.

"That never happened!" Pedophile interrupted.

It was then that Douche hurled the ball at the small green Pokèmon. A loud crack broke through the air as it hit the Caterpie on the head, thus breaking it's skull.

Sweetypoo laughed.

As the other Pokèmon was screaming in pain, it was consumed with a red light, it's body shrinking until it could fit inside the Pokèball. It wiggled like, a thousand times before it finally fell still.

"Reminds me of my last victim," Pedophile muttered

"F*ck yeah!" The spiky haired boy yelled. "I caught Zekrom!"

Red looked pissed. "I thought you were calling it Dialga!"

Douche looked confused. "Who?" He asked as he retrieved the ball.

"Its taking all my willpower not to kill you right now!"

The other boy gasped. "Red, I didn't know you were Azelf!"

Red sat on the ground and proceeded to rock himself back and forth.

"Mommy says you're a good boy, mommy says you're a good boy," He muttered to himself.

"You know," The Pikachu told his trainer. "You could kill him right now and nobody would be able to stop you. I mean seriously, the police officers aren't even introduced to a later generation."

Douche lifted the Pokèball into the air in an over-dramatic fashion.

"Using this Zekrom I can... Umm... I..." His ridiculously happy face suddenly looked confused. "Umm... Red?"

"... Yes?"

"Why did I just catch a Caterpie?"

Red would of cried with joy if he didn't have pride.

"You're back!" He exclaimed. "Now I don't have to put up with you acting like a total douche!"

"Yes you do." Douche told him.

"I know."

"And nothing sexual happened." Sweetypoo said with a smirk.

Everybody stared at him.

"What?" They asked.

"Nothing." The Pikachu put simply.

"So what are you going to do with your Caterpie?" Red asked, looking at his rival.

Suddenly, Pedophile walked out from the bushes.

"I plan on shoving it up my a-"

"Hey! I thought I put you in your ball!" Douche exclaimed.

"The only balls I've been in are-"

"Don't finish that." The Pikachu's trainer cut him off. "Please."

Sweetypoo decided to change the subject. "So, I think we should head to Viridian city, which is located exactly 2 feet away from where we stand, directly south."

Everyone looked to the south. Before them stood a fairly large city, filled with people staring at them.

"Oh." Red blinked. "Wait, how did you know that? I'm the one with the town map!"

The Pikachu smirked and pulled out a ridiculously fancy looking device.

"Yes, but I have the "Super Mega Amazing Alpha Explosive Possibly Dangerous Most Likey Murderous Special Awesome Town Map!" He exclaimed. "...Trademark."

"What the hell does that do?" Douche asked, looking stupendous.

"It tells you where to go, how to get there, how far away you are, which direction to go, any short cuts, what's in the next city and everything about the region! Also it can make waffles."

Red still looked confused. "Where... Exactly did you get that?"

"I have no idea." Sweetypoo shrugged.

"... Let's go to this city now."

"Agreed." Douche nodded.

******~After exploring the city~*****

"How the crap was that a city?" Red commented as they walked towards the exit. "There were three houses, a mart, a Pokémon centre and a Gym that's never even open!"

"Oh it had more," Sweetypoo told them.

Douche cast him a side glance. "And?"

"Then I arrived."

The Pikachu's trainer sighed. "Do you just set fire to everything you touch?"

"... Maybe." Sweetypoo responded, looking up from the Rattata he was burning.

Red grinned as they reached they way out of the city. This was the perfect time for an unessasary speech.

"Now, I can finally leave this pointless excuse for a city, so I can move on to the next one, so I can finally getting first gym badge! And then my journey will really begin!"

Suddenly, the boy felt a hand grab him around the ankle.

"You... Shall... Not... Pass!" A voice rasped from below him.

"What now?" Red groaned, looking down.

Beneath him, an old man in his pajamas was clutching tightly onto his leg, eyes wide and bloodshot.

"The rainbow unicorns warned me about you!" The old man screeched. "It is your destiny to deliver 'the package!'"

Red didn't even bother saying anything.

"What's wrong with him?" Douche asked, addressing the random woman standing right next to him.

"We'll you see," She began. "I was sitting in the living room, when he came down with a capsule of candy! He begged me for some, and even though the doctor said not to give him any, I did anyways because he was being so good! And he kind of ate them all.

"That explains it," The spiky haired trainer sighed. "Red?"

"Yes?"

"He's high."

"I know."

"Remind you of anyone?" Sweetypoo grinned, elbowing Douche.

"That was your fault!"

"Hey, you got a Pokèmon out of it."

"Yes, but that Pokèmon was a Caterpie."

"Good point."

Red finally managed to pry the old man off him.

"Look, I don't know what you're talking about, so please can I just go?"

The trainer didn't even wait for an answer. However, when he tried to walk past the man, an invisible wall stopped him in his tracks.

"I am unable to leave a town because a high old man is laying there on the ground." Red said in a monotone. "That makes perfect sense."

"Uh, Red, are you okay?" Douche asked, looking a bit alarmed.

"Just... Peachy." His rival responded throught clenched teeth, eye twiching.

"You smell nice," The woman said, grabbing Red's arm.

"Uhh..."

She looked at him in a creepy way. "Wanna go out?"

"WHY DOES EVERYONE I MEET START HITTING ON ME?!" Red screamed in annoyance.

The woman didn't reply. Instead, she took a sniff of his arm.

"You smell like sugar."

Sweetypoo's eyes widened. "Please don't tell me..."

"And Charmander."

Red started twiching.

"Oh no!" Pedophile gasped.

"And..." The woman breathed deeply.

Douche looked around. "I don't get it."

"Coat."

Red snapped.

"TELL ME WHERE IT IS!" He screamed, grabbing the woman.

"Where... What is?"

"IF YOU DON'T TELL ME I'M GOING TO TEAR OF YOUR FACE AND FEED IT TO A DEWGONG!"

"Hey," Pedophile commented. "Did you notice that if you remove the E,W and G in Dewgong it spells Dong?"

"Pedophile we have bigger problems right now!" Sweetypoo hissed.

The man looked offended. "There are no bigger problems then that!"

"Shut up!"

Meanwhile, Red was still screaming.

"AND AFTER THAT I'LL REMIVE YOUR HEART BY-" He was cut off by Douche grabbing the back of his coat and dragging him away.

"You are going to get the longest time-out of your life mister!" The trainers rival yelled at him.

"Sorry daddy!" Red looked ashamed.

"You should be."

The Pikachu blinked. "What just happened?"

"Nothing sexual so I don't care." Pedophile scoffed.

"Get a life."

"You stay here." Douche threw Red onto the ground.

"Geez!" Red yelled, rubbing his back. "That was unessasary!"

"And now you know how it feels." Sweetypoo commented, walking in with Pedophile.

"Would you just let that go already?"

The Pikachu glared at him. "Not until you properly apologize."

"I'm sorry."

"I said properly!"

"I'm... Properly... Sorry?"

"Not good enough."

"Dammit!" Red cursed.

"No f*cking swearing!" Douche yelled.

"Hypocrite." The other trainer muttered under his breath.

Douche looked over his companions.

"Okay!" He said in a leader-like voice. "If we want to continue on, we're going to have to get some things done!"

Red stood up and glared at his rival. "And who said you could call the shots?"

"... Do you want a spanking?"

"No daddy."

Douche laughed. "That's what I thought. Now, Red and Sweetypoo, you go inside the Mart and purchase some potions, Pokèballs, ect. Me and Pedophile will stand outside and umm, guard you. Yeah, guard you."

Sweetypoo narrowed his eyes. "You just want to pick you chicks, don't you?"

"Hell yeah! Girls love men with money!"

"You're ten years old."

The spikes haired trainer crossed his arms. "Who said you could talk?"

"Come on Sweetypoo," Red picked up the Pikachu and placed it on his shoulder. "Let's go."

it was a short trip to the mart, because the town is, what? 20 meters long, at most? Seriously, that hardly even classifies as a village. Red stood infront of the door, reluctant to enter.

"I know something stupid's going to happen as soon as I enter this shop." He sighed.

"Quit whining and just get on with it." Sweetypoo said from his shoulder. "The sooner we finish this the sooner we can kill Douche for telling me to shut up! I mean seriously, who wouldn't want to listen to my voice?"

Red didn't exactly agree with this, mainly because the Pikachu's voice sounded like a bomb had exploded in in his throat at a young age, but he liked the idea of killing Douche, so he went along with it.

"Fine."

The young boy opened the door with such force that it fell off it's hinges, crushing an innocent civilian who had been on the other side. The people in the shop looked up in surprise from the noise.

Red smiled nervously. "That, um, wasn't me."

A bearded man nodded his approval. "You heard him, he didn't do it."

"If that guy thinks it's true, then so do I! Even though I have no idea who he is!" A woman with a mustache agreed.

"This is totally what real life is really like!" Some random dude exclaimed.

The trainer was relived that he wasn't going to be charged for the odvious case of vandalism and assault, but he still had a job to do.

Walking up to the owner, Red asked: "Do you supply Pokèballs?"

The man, who's name was Mom, gasped. "You have a Pokèdex!"

"H-how did you know that? It was in my backpack pocket." The boy asked, getting really creeped out.

"You must know professor Oak!"

"Yeah... He's kind of, you know, dead right now. Could I take a message?"

"If you don't mind, could you take him this?" Mom lifted an enormous package onto the counter. "It's really important for his research."

Red raised an eyebrow. "I just told you he was dead, so no."

The shopkeeper shoved the package towards him. "Oh but I insist!"

"Yes, but I don't." The trainer pushed it back.

"I. Insist!"

"He's dead! Get that throught your thick skull!"

"I f*cking insist!"

"Uh, Red," Sweetypoo interrupted. "I think you should just take it."

"Quiet!" Red snapped, shoving the package back. "I'm not taking your stupid package!"

"TAKE MY STUPID PACKAGE!" The manager screamed, hurling it at the boy.

"I already told you I- oof!" Red cried out in pain as the box nailed him in the stomach, sending him flying to the ground. And of course, he just happened to land on top of Sweetypoo.

"What, it wasn't bad enough that you've been throwing me everywhere but now you have to land on me too?" The Pikachu grumbled.

Red didn't say anything back, because it's kind of hard to talk with a mouthful of blood.

"Thank you for cooperating!" Mom said with a smile.

With the help of the counter, the trainer managed to heave himself off the ground.

"Do... You have any Pokèballs?" he rasped.

Mom was still grinning like a maniac. "Did you deliver the package?"

"No, I haven't even left the store yet."

"Then no!" The shopkeeper yelled, punching him across the face.

Red was sent flying across the mart, where he landed on yet another innocent civilian.

"Ow, talk about child abuse." He groaned, lifting his head, only for it to be hit by the package Mom threw at him.

Somehow, despite his numerous injuries, Red somehow managed to get up off the ground and walk out of the shop, carrying the package in one arm.

Outside, Douche was having a conversation with some chick Red wasn't familer with.

"And then I totally caught Dialga!" Douche told her, lifting up his Caterpie's Pokèball.

"You caught a Legendary Pokèmon in an ordinary Pokèball?" She asked in a high-pitched voice.

"Umm yes?"

She smiled broadly. "You're the best trainer ever!"

"I kn-" Douche was cut off by Red grabbing him by the collar and dragging him away. "Hey, what's your problem?"

"We need to go back to Pallet town." Red told him in an irritated voice, not looking at his rival. "To deliver a package to your grandfather."

The other boy struggled out of his rivals grasp and snatched the box.

"Cool, free stuff!" He giggled, jumping into a patch of grass.

"I don't think you should open that." Red warned.

Douche waved him off. "Don't worry, gramps will never notice."

There was the sound of a box being opened.

"...What's in there?" The Pikachu's trainer asked out of pure curiosity.

"Nothing but these weird slingshots," Douche replied, holding up a pink frilly bra. "And some weird cut-up diaper things."

Blushing madly, Red tackled his rival, knocking the stuff out of his hands.

Pinning him to the ground he said in a serious voice. "Never, ever touch those again!"

"Why?" Douche asked fearfully.

"Because," Red looked around for any child witnesses. "They're _girly things_!"

There was a pause.

"Ewww!" The rival screeched, rubbing his hands on the grass. "Girls have cooties!"

Red nodded in agreement.

"I see my package has come in," A voice came from behind them.

The two boy looked over in surprise. Standing there, was a very crispy looking Oak with a the creepiest grin ever.

"Professor Oak!" Red gasped. "How did you survive the explosion?"

"I didn't." He put simply.

The two boys stared at him.

"Alright." Douche sighed.

The other trainer handed the professor the package.

"I didn't know you had a daughter," He commented.

"That's because I don't, future husband."

Red blinked. "What about your mother?"

"Don't have one."

"Umm, sister?"

"Nope."

"Grand...mother?"

"Can't say I do."

Red was getting concerned. "Son?" He asked fearfully.

Oak only shook his head.

"Wait," Douche cut in. "If you don't have children, then how do I exist?"

Oak turned to his grandson, still smiling.

"Oh, you're adopted."

Douche looked shocked. "And you never told me?"

"It just, slipped my mind."

"So, my last name isn't really Oak?"

"Sorry, slightly less hot ten year old."

The rival sighed. "Then what's my real one?"

The professor smirked. "Bag."

**I had to. XD**

**Anyways, thanks once again to everybody who reviewed. I REALLY appreciate it! **

**Also, I have a question. Should I put Leaf (The Fire Red girl) in this series?And if so, what kind of personality should she have? Please answer, I'm really debating with this one!**

**Thanks for reading!**

**~*Galefire*~**

** 2717 words!**

**Longest chapter!**


	5. Chapter 5: One way trip to brain surgery

"Hahahaha! Douche Bag! Ahahahah!" Red laughed as he rolled on the ground, struggling to breath. Beside him, Pedophile was doing the same. Even Pikachu was chuckling hard.

The only one who wasn't laughing was Douche.

"Guys, shut up!" He yelled. "You've been laughing about this for five days! How do you still find it funny?"

It was true, after the shocking reveal of Douche's last name, the others had found themselves in a fit of laughter that lasted almost a week. The only pause had been when the citizens of Viridian 'city' had come out at them with torches and pitchforks, angry about being woken up at one in the morning. Douche couldn't help but wonder why everyone in the town had pitchforks on demand, but at the same time wished he had one so he could stab it through his rivals skull. Thankfully, they had all gotten scared when Douche sent out his Caterpie, so the companions were free to move on.

Anyways, the spiky-haired trainer was just about to break Red's arm when he was interrupted by a rustling in the tree above them. Douche looked up in surprise and even Red took a minute off his busy schedule of murdering his lungs to cast a glance.

"Sounds like someone's having fun." Pedophile pouted. "And it's not me."

"Can you PLEASE say ONE scentence that doesn't have anything perverted in it?" Sweetypoo grumbled.

"..."

"..."

"Wanna mate?"

Just as Sweetypoo let out an enraged scream, He felt himself be hoisted into the air by his trainer.

"Pikachu! I chose you!" Red yelled in an over dramatic fashion.

"Since when have you had a Pikachu?" Douche asked.

Once he was done glaring at his rival, the trainer cast a glance down at his Pokèmon, confused.

"Umm, how do I put you in battle? I kinda destroyed your only proper home."

Sweetypoo shrugged.

'Well there's only one way.' Red thought, and in one, swift movement, he threw the poor Pokemon at the tree.

"I knew this would happen!" The Pikachu cried as he disappeared under a blanket of leaves.

"You're doing great!" Red yelled.

Douche and his Caterpie, Articuno, exchanged awkwards glances.

"Now, Sweetypoo!" The young trainer commanded. "Do what you normally do!"

Suddenly, the tree burst into flames.

Red shrugged. "That'll work."

"Oh no!" A ridiculous cheesy voice called. "That tree is on fire!"

"Yeah, and I'm not invited." Pedophile sighed.

A tall boy with dark blue hair leaped out of the bushes, holding something that vaguely resembled a lightsaber.

"We must save it, right Sugar?" He looked over his shoulder.

The Pokemon, which was concealed by a large collection of leaves, responded: "Charmander! Char!"

It didn't take long for the Pikachu to realize the true identity of the Pokemon.

*Cue over-exaggerated music*

"Quick, Douche! Hit Red with your mallet!" He yelled.

Douche Bag looked confused. "But I don't have a mallet!"

"You do now!"

"Al-alright?"

Out of absolutely f*cking nowhere, The douche pulled out a large pink hammer, and ultimately killed his rival with it.

...

...

:)

Kidding.

A loud crack could be heard as the mallet made contact with the boy's head, blood spilling out from all the wrong places. Yet somehow, Red was still standing.

"Stop tickling me!" He yelled, bits of his skull falling onto the ground.

Douche stared, wide eyed. "I just broke your skull open, how are you even alive?"

He shrugged. "I've been through worse. I did live with my mom you know."

"True..."

The two stared at each other for awhile.

The rival smacked Red with the hammer again, this time successfully knocking him out.

"Fatality!" The subtitles said. "Flawless victory."

Everyone stared at the bloody body in amazement.

...

"That wasn't me." Douche told them.

"That's not going to work!" Sweetypoo called down from the tree.

"... F*ck it."

"Now, Sugar!" The ugly blue haired kid instructed, pointing to the blazing inferno, "Use Hydro pump!"

The sugar-coated Charmander sucked in air, preparing for the attack.

Douche laughed. "Silly moron, Charmander can't learn Hydro pump, he's an ice-type!"

The little orange lizard called out it's name one last time, then shot a huge blast of water out of its mouth, dousing the fire instantly.

The spiky haired trainer stood, mouth agape. "H-how the-?"

The boy smiled. "Good job, you worthless peice of crap, now, be free!"

And with that, the boy and the Charmander ran off into the distance.

Red awoke groggily, eyelids fluttering open. "Did someone say-"

"No!" Douche screamed, once again nailing him in the skull.

A sudden noise from above caught the attention of the boy and his not-so-trustworthy Pokemon. And at that very moment, the most disgusting thing they had ever seen dropped out from the branches above. It was horrible, just awful. In fact, their eyes literally burned just looking at the pile of filth. Douche held his mouth to keep from throwing up.

It was...

A-

_We interrupt this broadcast for a very important message. _

_Has this ever happened to you?: _

Gold smiled like a manic, grinning down at his new black and red attire.

"Wearing this, we'll have no problem getting past Team Rocket!" He told his Typhlosion excitedly as they walked towards the stairs.

"This isn't exploitable in anyway, shape or form!" The Pokemon agreed eagerly.

As they reached the staircase, the Team Rocket member who was guarding it smiled brightly.

"You must be the new recruit nobody told me about!" He beamed. "I'm going to be extreamly gullible and let you through!"

Gold nearly jumped for joy. "Thanks you idiotic moron!"

There was the sudden noise of the sliding doors opening and a loser with red hair burst into the room.

"I'M GOING TO STOP YOU!" He screamed, pointing at the goon.

'Oh crap." The black haired trainer thought. 'It's Silver. Just. Act. Casual. Maybe he won't notice you?'

"Pasta firetrucks!" He screamed.

The Team Rocket member ignored him. "Oh, yeah, how do you plan on accomplishing that?"

Silver's glare was cold. "By undressing the only person who has a chance of stopping you, thus making his mission ten times more difficult.

"Sh*t!" Gold screamed, trying to run away.

However, the boy's attempts were feeble as his rival had already grabbed onto the back of his jacket.

The goon's face turned the colour of snow as he watched the two put on their, umm, performance.

"I have the weirdest boner right now." He admitted.

When Silver was done, Gold stood somehow dressed in his normal clothes, apparently it's possible to wear a hat under a hat without anyone noticing.

Huh.

"Kay, bye." The red haired kid said, zooming out of the building.

Gold exchanged a glance with the guard.

"I need to go wash that image out of my brain." The rocket member sighed.

_Because if it has, then you have problems!_

**Holy crap this chapter is late! **

**And short!**

**And not very funny! **

**I'm extreamly sorry, I'll try to make it up to you guys with the next chapters. **

**Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

**~*Galefire***


	6. Chapter 6: F cking bug trainers!

It was...

A girl!

Douche let out a terrified scream as he stared at the abomination in front of him. Sweetypoo made a strangled chocking noise and even Pedophile looked disgusted.

"It's a cootie nesting place!" Douche gasped in horror.

The Pikachu gave it a scared glance. "Is it alive? Poke it!"

"I'm not touching 'that'!"

"With a stick?"

"No!" The spiky haired boy yelled.

"A 39 and a half foot pole?"

Whatever Douche was about to say was cut off by a sudden movement coming from the collapsed girl before them. The three yelled in terror and clung helplessly onto each other.

Meanwhile, Red slowly started to get back up, clutching his bloody skull in pain.

"Man, my head is ichy." He murmered, getting up slowly.

Okay, maybe not in pain.

Catching sight of the 'thing' that lay before him, the black haired trainer too began to scream.

"SWEET ACREUS WHAT IS THAT?!"

"Where... Am I?" The girl moaned, eyes opening slowly.

"Run!" Douche yelped in panic, taking off in a random direction.

"I can't!" Red called back.

"Why the hell not?!"

Red looked down sheepishly. "I forgot to get the running shoes."

The rival stopped in his tracks. "And that matters because...?"

"Without them, the B button is worthless!"

"The what?!"

"Guys, it's gaining on you!" Sweetypoo called from a distance.

The two cast horror filled looks back at the girl who... hadn't even moved.

Huh, guess Sweetypoo had a few to many steroids last night.

"NOBODY DISSES THE PILL!" The Pikachu shouted, abusing caps lock.

"Walk for your lives!" Red screamed, disappearing into the forest.

Behind them, the girl raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"What the-" She started, but was cut off by someone tapping on her shoulder.

"Could I get you to deliver... a package?"

"I-think-we-lost-her." Douche panted, slowing to a stop in a nearby clearing.

"I think we lost us." Red commented, looking around. "Where exactly are we?"

The two cast curious glances around their surroundings. The area was entirely coated with green plants and tree bark. The dark evening sky was hidden under a blanket of leaves. However, the only thing more huge in numbers then the leaves, were the bug catchers.

Sweetypoo walked up to one of them and poked him on the cheek. He didn't even twich.

"What's up with them?"

"Doesn't matter to me, all that matters is that they can go f*ck themselves! Let's go!" Douche said in a cheerful manner, taking a step forwards.

"Wait." The other trainer cut in.

His rival spun around, clearly annoyed. "Whaaaaaaat?" he whined.

Red narrowed his eyes. "If you're so scared of girls, then why we're you flirting with one yesterday?"

Douche looked stunned. "That wasn't a girl, that was your mom!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Wonderful."

"Now let's go f*ck some b*tches till our **** start to **** and **** with **** and ****ing **** flys everywhere on Tuesday!" Pedophile instructed, before adding: "As long as their under eleven years old."

"We could do that," Red rolled his eyes with a sigh. "Or we could just move on like normal people would."

"Awwww, but that's less fun!"

"Yeah, why're you such a downer, Red?" Sweetypoo grumbled.

"Not you too!"

"It's true." Douche nodded. "You are boring."

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"La la la, I'm not listening!"

"Oh real mature, Red."

"GUYS!" Sweetypoo screamed at the top of his lungs, startling both of them. Once he had their attention, the Pikachu continued. "Let's just try to get out of this forest without anymore arguing, so we can move on with this STUPID journey."

"Get along, with this idiot?" Red snorted. "Please."

"He doesn't think Barbie is cool!" His rival protested.

"That's because it's not."

"Red." The Pikachu warned, holding a chainsaw to his neck.

The trainer swallowed nervously. "I. Respect. Your. Opinion." He muttered through gritted teeth.

"How sweet of you." Douche giggled, giving him an evil look.

"I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GONNA F*CKING-"

"You know what's cool?" Red was interrupted by a sudden voice. "Bug Pokemon!"

"Oh god no." The group(minus Red) all said at once, realizing they had walked in front of one of the numerous bug collectors.

"What's wrong?" The black haired trainer asked as the others backed away.

Suddenly, the bug trainer grabbed onto his shoulders. Leaning in, he whispered:

"Wanna battle?"

"A-are you coming onto me?"

The other trainer's eyes were wide and heavily bloodshot. He had to most manical grin Red had ever seen, given he had never seen his own. A black exclamation point hovered in mid air above his head.

"I've been waiting for you to come."

"Oh god..."

The bug trainer licked his lips. "Oh yeah... This is going to be fun..."

Pedophile raised an eyebrow. "So is he going to get-"

"NO!" Sweetypoo and Douche yelled instantly, cutting him off.

The bug trainer reached down to his belt and... Pulled out a Pokèball.

...Wait. What were you thinking he was going to do?

"Go! Caterpie!"

Douche snorted. "He said 'pee.'"

"Yeah." Red agreed, laughing.

There was a bright flash of crimson, and from the ball emerged a giant crimson beast with a sandy coloured under-belly and midnight black lines going through it. Two bright yellow eyes shone from their cold, dark sockets.

Red stated at it in horror. "That's not a Caterpie!"

"Thank you, captin Odvious!" Douche rolled his eyes.

"Oh you can go straight to h-"

'Red.' His Mom's voice echoed in his head. 'There is a time and place for everything, but no now.'

"I... Don't see how that's relevant."

'It's not. I was just bored. Hey, do you have any snacks?'

"No."

'Damn. This is the worst mind ever."

"Gee, Mom. Thanks."

Douche and Sweetypoo exchanged glances as they watched the boy have a conversation with himself.

"I have no idea." The Pikachu answered the question that was going through all their heads.

"FIGHT MY CATERPIE!" The bug trainer suddenly yelled, pointing to his Groudon.

"Alright, alright, fine. Go Sweetypoo!" Red called.

The small yellow mouse sighed and slowly made it's way to where his trainer was standing.

"How is this not animal abuse?" He muttered.

Meanwhile, Douche was talking with his own Caterpie.

"You see, Rayquaza." He told it with a smile. "That's what your going to become, but only if you drink your milk!"

"Milk is good for you! And delicious too!" The small green Pokemon, who was named Mewtwo, said to the readers.

*The more you know...*

(This counts as public service, right?)

"I'll ship it." Pedophile concluded with a shrug.

Back with Red and the bug trainer, the two were locked in deadly combat. Attacks were flying everywhere and the two Pokemon were near fainting.

"Caterpie, use growl!" The bug man instructed.

"Ha! Weak. Sweetypoo, use tail whip!" Red commanded the Pikachu.

Sweetypoo reluctantly obeyed, grumbling and shooting glares at it's trainer.

"Caterpie, growl!"

"Pikachu, Tail whip!"

"I hate my life..."

"Growl!"

"Tail whip!"

"Growl!"

"Tail whip!"

"GROWL!"

"TAIL WHIP!"

"MUD!"

"KIP!"

"MUD!"

"KIP!"

"MUD!"

"MUD!"

The bug trainer gasped. "How dare you ruin the sacred Mudkip ritual? Caterpie, use Hyper beam!"

Red's eyes widened as a ball of orange light gathered in the Groundon's ("Caterpie!") mouth, ready to fire.

"Oh fu-"

"Come on, Red." Douche snorted with a roll of his eyes, addressing the boy in the wheelchair. "It dosn't hurt that bad."

Red would of glared at him if he was actually able to move his neck.

Or his eyelids.

Or his face.

The point here is he's hurt.

"Douche, a can hardly move any part of my body. I'd say I'm pretty screwed up."

Seeing Pedophile smirk, Red quickly added: "And if you try anything, I'll call my mother on you!"

The man frowned instantly. "Spoil sport..."

Douche suddenly brightened up. "That reminds me!"

"Oh crap..."

"I still haven't called your mom!" The rival reached into his bag with a smile.

Red would have raised an eyebrow, but his 'eyebrow-raising' bones were also broken. "Why are you calling my mom...?"

"Because I looooove her!"

"...Eww."

"She makes really good cookies you know!"

"Not if you know what's in them..." Red muttered, mentally wincing at the memory because he couldn't physically wince because he got hurt and when you're hurt you-

"They get it!" Sweetypoo interrupted.

Well sooorry, looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the cranberry!

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!"

"So if you get my mom, I can have your sister." Red concluded.

Douche's eyes started to water. "Y-you want to take away D-Daisy?"

"What? No! I just mean that-"

"WAAAAH! OFFICER! OFFICER! THAT MEAN OLD BOY IS TRYING TO STEAL MY SISTER!" Douche wailed, running around in circles.

"That's not what I mean!"

A sudden rustle in the bush warned them of another. In a flash of blue and brown, ANOTHER F*CKING BUG TRAINER leaped out of the foliage, expression firce.

"How dare you try to molest children-"

"Woah, woah. Dude, no. NEVER."

"-You barbarous little punk! Face my wrath!"

"Get that jerk!" Douche cheered joyfully.

"Douche!" Red exclaimed, looking pissed.

"Actually, I said jerk. But that works too!"

Red face-palmed.

"Go! Weedle!" The Bug collected cried, throwing his Pokèball into the air.

"Heh heh, he said weed." Doiche snorted.

"Ha, yeah." His rival agreed.

In a magical flash of dark purple smoke, a large, fat, green and tan thing appeared, looking as if it was asleep.

"Oh for f*cks sake..." The black haired trainer grumbled, looking irritated.

"Snorlax, the 'fat' Pokemon." His Pokèdex told him, deciding to actually be useful for once. "It is very fat. In fact it is so fat it it is almost as fat as your mom."

Red's face fell. "That. Was. Low."

"Did I mention it is fat? God, why is it so fat? It should try to lose weight, so it is no longer fat."

Sweetypoo's eye twitched. "Red, can I please disable that?"

"Why would you want to destroy the only thing that will ever talk to you?"

"... I hate you."

"Snorlax, use growl!" The 'bug' trainer called, pointing in an overdramatic fashion.

"SNNNNNNNNNNOOOORBTHRGSUSDyuy dxoixgzisoostoiiftsz^^+~€,^~}^~%|%~€\%!"

Douche blinked. "How the f*ck did it pronounce that?"

"Alright then, Pikachu, use thundersh-"

"No! That wont work! My weedle has levitate!"

"-it. How the hell does that work?"

The trainer shrugged.

Red sighed, looking pissed. "Fine. Pikachu, use Quick attack!"

*It's not very effective...*

"W-wait? Bu- bu- bu-"

The boy across from him smirked evily. "You should have known! Weedle is a Rock-type! Use growl, again!"

Red narrowed his eyes, twitching madly. "You know WHAT? FINE! I didn't need all the TIME and EFFORT, that I'm, for some STUPID reason, putting into this battle!"

"You think Red'll be okay?" Douche asked, casting a glance to Sweetypoo.

"No. Not in the slightest."

The rival grinned and pulled out a bowl of popcorn. "Perfect."

*********~Two day's later~*********

"F-finally!" Red gasped, his eyes heavily bloodshot. "J-just one m-m-more hit, a-and I'll be done! D-done! Ha! Ha ha! Ahahahaha!" He started laughing like a mad-man, twiching all over.

"I use a full restore!" The bug trainer announced happily, spaying the 'Weedle' with a yellow liquid.

No, it's not piss. Geez, head out of the gutter...

Red's face fell like the economy. "Wow. You're a dick."

*****~Another two days later~******

"I'm so glad that's over!" Red cheered as he walked away from the defeated bug trainer, the other following with bored expressions.

"Hey Red?" Douche spoke up, arms crossed.

"What?"

With a kick that would have made Crystal proud, the spiky haired trainer propelled his rival forward...

Right into a bug trainer's line of vision.

"Look out."

*****~6.8 Sandwhiches later~******

"Are you mad at me?" Douche asked the black haired boy, looking innocent.

Red glared at him.

"Oh, c'mon, it was an accident!"

He rolled his eyes.

Suddenly, the rival brightened. "I have an idea!"

"Don't trust him!" Sweetypoo warned.

"If can't see them..." Douche began, lifting his hand to cover his eyes. "... They can't see you..."

"That is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever heard!"

"No, no! It works! Just watch!"

The other exchanged unamused glances as the moronic child made his way towards another boy. The Bug collected made no movement, not sound, as the rival passed in front of him.

'Guess he's not a trainer,'Red thought with a shrug as he passed by the boy.

"ARE YOU SCARED YET?" The bug trainer screamed, leaping into action. "LET'S BATTLE!"

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

***************~Hi~***************

**Ahh, poor Red. I feel sorry for him. Even though I'm the one doing this to him... **

**Huh. **

**Yeah. This wasn't my best work. To be honest, I didn't really know what to do with this one. **

**Anyways, thanks to everyone who reviewed, I means a LOT to me. **

**Feedback is VERY much appreciated! **

**Thanks for reading!**

**~*Galefire*~**


	7. Chapter 7: Leaf and Edward Cullen

**Umm... **

**I'm back? **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

**NOTHING!**

Douche sighed in irritation. After a traumatizing overdose of Bug trainers, Red had done the only logical thing and had flat out fallen unconscious, leaving his rival to fight the remaining trainers. However, since this had occurred at the end of the forest, Douche didn't have to do jack- sh*t.

How convenient.

Unfortunatly, being the largest one there, he was forced to drag Red the rest of the way, which was quite difficult on his little girly arms.

"Wait, WHAT?!" Douche yelled, glaring at the author, who did nothing more then ignore him.

"... And then Red threw me, into the air, and at a f*cking tree!" Sweetypoo grumbled, finishing off his story.

The spiky haired trainer glared at him. "I know, Sweetypoo, I WAS THERE!"

The Pikachu crossed his arms and huffed. "Well excuse me, princess."

Douche muttered some very, um, colorful, words under his breath. Noticing the large building thingy in front of them, The douche imidiatly took it upon himself to hurl his rival as hard as he possibly could into it.

"You just used the word's 'douche' and 'hard' in one sentence without making it sexual." Sweetypoo commented. "I'm almost impressed."

Why thank you.

Red still didn't wake up.

Why?

Because HE CAN.

"He's such a dick." Douche muttered.

"And that's why you like him so much." Pedophile smirked.

"...What?"

"Nothing."

"I hate y-" The rival was cut off by a package smashing him in the back of the head.

"I'd like YOU to smash ME in the head." His Pokemon purred.

"OH GOD PEDOPHILE, WHY?" Douche screamed, clutching the back of his head in agony. "WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

Sweetypoo cast him a glance. "Many, many things are wrong with him. Even more things then Red."

"I heard that!" The black haired trainer called, despite being unconscious.

"Guess what? I don't care."

Meanwhile, Douche was searching desperately for the culprit.

"Alright, whoever did that is getting a major kick in the face from Mister Gary!"

There was a pause.

"Umm..." Sweetypoo ummed.

Pedophile scratched the back of his head. "Err..."

Red, who had woken up for the convenience of the story, decided to continue the chain. "Ehh..."

"Who exactly... Is Gary?" The Pikachu asked finally.

Douche frowned. "I'm Gary."

The three exchanged glances.

Red laughed nervously. "I think you might want to lay down, Douche."

"For the good of all of us." His Pokemon agreed.

"And so I can take adv-" Sweetypoo cut Pedophile off with a sharp elbow to the knee. "I mean, uhh, so you can rest."

*I used to be perverted, but then I took an elbow to the-*

"Stop." Lugia the Caterpie told the author.

The spiky haired rival raised an eyebrow. "I don't see what the..." He trailed off, eyes wide with realization. "Wait, you guys don't seriously think my name's Douche, do you?"

"Why wouldn't we?" The other trainer questioned.

Just as Douche Bag was about to reply, there was a rustle in a nearby tree, and with a "gfufyuxtdzxrrsxixud!" a girl jumped down to the ground.

"Why are you guys so incompetent?" She growled, glaring at them furiously. "I gave you a perfectly odvious hint to where I was, but noooo, you guys had to sit around here and talk about douche bags, names and other crap nobody gives two Muks about!"

"Actually, we were standing!" Douche pointed out with a smile.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER!" She shouted, causing him to flinch.

"Douche," Red whispered, backing up slowly.

"Yes?"

"Commence plan A."

"You mean the one where we're take off our shirts and-"

"No! The other plan A!"

"You mean plan A. Ss?"

"I never agreed on that name!"

"Hey Red." Douche whispered.

"What?!"

"Have you ever google image searched Milotic/Gyrados?"

"Why are you asking me that?!"

"Well have you?"

"...Yes..."

"... :D"

"It was an accident! I meant to type in... Uh, you see well..." Red tripped over his words, blushing like mad. "Just go with the plan!"

"You mean plan-"

"Yes, that one!"

The brown haired girl rolled her eyes at the two boy's hushed conversation. Apparently she wasn't supposed to hear it, but honestly, they were TERRIBLE a being quiet. What she WISHED she couldn't hear, however, was what Pedophile and Sweetypoo were talking about.

Seriously, could the human body even do that?

Suddenly, a cold, slimy object was forced into her arms. Looking down, her eyes met the innocent black orbs of a certain known Caterpie.

Well what were YOU expecting?

"Hello." It greeted. "My name is Terrakion. Or was it Mewtwo? I can't seem to remember..."

She raised and eyebrow, looking around awkwardly.

A few paces away, Douche was smiling proudly while Red face palmed.

That explained it.

Suddenly, the Caterpie as enveloped in a bright blue glow, screaming in agonizing pain as it's body changed form, twisting and turning as bones fused together, eyeballs melting out of their sockets as the creature-

"That's not at all what's happening." Red informed the author.

...Did I ask you?

"No, but-"

Then shut up.

"Hehe, this is cool." Douche giggled, putting on a random pair of 3-D glasses.

"Douche your Pokemon is quite clearly dying."

"That's the beauty of it!" Sweetypoo told his trainer. "Can't you see the emotion that goes into these kinds of things?"

Red squinted. "All I see is organs. And blood. Lots of blood."

**_~*Meanwhile* _**

While the others were distracted, Pedophile was making a move on the girl, who had dropped the Caterpie long ago.

"Hey." He nudged her. "I'll trade my _candy_ for your '_sugar.'" _

With all her might, the girl kicked him between the legs.

"Ohhh... Right in my Tentacruel..."

Suddenly, the Caterpie stopped glowing.

Except, it wasn't exactly a Caterpie anymore.

Douche stared in amazement up at his new Pokemon. It's long, black neck shine faintly in the dying light, dark wings unfurled from it's midnight coloured body. It stomped it's ivory legs proudly, letting out a loud roar.

"This..." He begain. "Makes perfect sense."

"What?!" The brown haired girl snapped. "No it doesn't!"

"No no no," The rival placed his hands on her shoulders. "It does."

Red then spoke up. "Douche you can't just cheat logic like this."

"Hmm... I wonder what I should name this..." The asshole inspected his shiny Charzard carefully.

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Maybe Poopbutt , or Smelly mc Fee... Perhaps Mr. Tidilly buns?"

"I'll call your Grandpa!"

"Nahh... Grandpa's a stupid name."

Red laughed a little, then started to continuously bang his head on a neaby tree. "I-hate-my-life."

The girl rolled her eyes. This wasn't the introduction she had expected, problably because there was none. She was also getting pretty tired of the author referring to her as 'the girl.'

"My name's Leaf, if anyone's interested."

"Leaf? That's an even worse name then Red! Your parents should be ashamed of themselves!"

Leaf snorted. "Look who's talking,_ Douche." _

The rival turned around to face her, eyes narrowed. "Now that was just low." He turned back to what he was doing. "I know! I'll name it Luvdic- I mean Disk!"

The Charzard roared happily.

"Well it's better then what you nicknamed you're Caterpie." Red admitted with a shrug, putting his hat back on.

Douche gasped. "You can find Caterpie's here? I want one!"

"You already HAD one!"

"I did?!"

Leaf turned to Sweetypoo, looking unimpressed. "Is he always this stupid?"

"Actually, this is one of his better days. You should have seen last week." The Pikachu shuddered. "Eww..."

"What happened-"

"IT WASN'T MY FAULT! THE TOWN BLEW UP ON IT'S OWN!"

The girl blinked. "I never said it was."

Sweetypoo looked relived. "Oh thank Surskit..."

"Yeaahhh." Leaf laughed awkwardly. "So what about the guy with the black hair?"

"...Edward Cullen?"

Leaf glared at him.

"Ooohhh, you mean Red. Yeah, he's alright. Just don't say a certain series of words-"

"You mean like sugar coated Charmander?" Pedophile asked, swimming down from the sky.

All the sudden, Leaf felt a cool metal press against her throat, the odd sound of chattering teeth ringing in her ears. A warm breath tingled the hairs on the back of her neck, sending shivers down her spine.

**_"So yooouuu have it."_** A maniacal voice giggled from behind her. "**_Because of that, I might just have to rearrange your vital organs." _**

"Sweetypoo." The girl asked in a deadly serious voice, trying to stop herself from shaking.

"...Yes?"

"W-who's behind me?"

"...Edward Cullen?"

Leaf turned her head slowly. Diluted crimson eyes entered her vision, a crazed smile placed directly below them, both full of huger and bloodlust.

"Heheheheh...Heheheh...Heh...Heh...f*ck..."

000000000000000000000000000

**Yes, another short chapter. But hey, you got to see Leaf! **

**The next chapter will be longer, I PROMISE. **

**Thanks to all who read and reviewed! It means a lot to me! **

**Hopefully this one comes out alright...**

**~*Galefire* **


	8. Chapter 8: Pedophile likes Rocks

"Hello all and welcome to the eighth chapter of this crap!" Red greeted, walking into the reader's line if vision. He had calmed down for the mere purpose of this introduction.

"Now, I'm sure you all want to get onto the story so you can laugh at how terrible the Author's attempts at humor are-"

Hey!

"-But first, there's something's we need to get across." With a forced smile he pulled out the script the author had begged- I mean, asked, him to read for her.

"First off, this chapter contains some-"

"Hey guys! It's your favorite character! Douche!" Said trainer greeted, jumping in front of Red.

Red stepped out from behind him, eyes narrowed. "Look, Asshole, you can go on random rants about yourself nobody cares gives two craps about later. In the meantime, kindly go f*ck yourself."

"Oh really? What are you doing, loser stuff? Oh yeah! I'm clever!"

The black haired rival pushed him away. "As I was saying, the chapter you are about to read has lots of-"

"Hey Red," Sweetypoo walked in.

"What in name of flying Dugtrios do you want?"

"Do you have any lubricant?"

Red gave him a confused look. "Why do you want lubricant?"

The Pikachu started drooling. "Mmmm... Lubricant..."

The trainer drop-kicked his Pokemon away. "Anyway, in regards to the chap-"

"It's like a diamond!" Bella gasped, staring at Edward's exposed midriff.

Edward started to tear up. "T-this is who I am Bella! A vampire pedophile with stones growing in him! I'm normal!"

The author might have altered those lines.

Just slightly.

In my defense I haven't even seen Twilight.

"WHAT THE F*CK DOES THIS HAVE TO WITH ANYTHING?!" Red screamed, murdering the two with a random machine gun. "NOW, this part of the story has some-"

"GENSURAATION 1 Vas zEe Onnly gooooddly Vun!111!" A random human exclaimed, throwing air-fresheners at Red. "De othurrs SucKZ pooopE balZ!"

"You f*cktard I am part of generation One!" The black haired trainer yelled, smashing him over the head with a tire iron. Once he had successfully pounded in the loser's skull, Red dusted himself off and went back to work.

"Moving on, I-"

"Hey Red," Leaf walked in with a sigh. "This introduction's getting a little drawn out, would you mind shortening it a bit?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT?!" The trainer threw the script to the ground. "F*CKING FINE! I'll ****ING SHORTEN THIS ****ING PEICE OF **** BECAUSE NONE OF YOU ****ING ****HEADS ARE ****ING LETTING ME ****ING SAY MY ****ING LINES! JUST... **** ****ING ALL OF YOU IN THE ****ING *** UNTIL YOU START TO-!"

Leaf slapped a hand over his mouth, shacking her head sternly.

"Do I need to wash your mouth out with soap young mister?"

Red spat on her hand, causing her to swiftly withdraw it.

"After this chapter, maybe."

**000000000000000000000000000**

**Umm... So apparently there's an Author's note in the middle of the chapter now? **

**Eh, it's a first. **

**Disclaimer: NUUUUUHHHHHHHH!**

**Oh, and I don't own Pokèmon. **

**000000000000000000000000000**

"Are you sure it's safe to endorse in brain surgery when you're completely untrained?" Leaf asked, crossing her arms with a frown.

"What does 'endorse' mean?" Douche asked Fu- I mean, Shuckle the Charzard.

"RAAASTEGDYG!"

The rival turned back towards the girl. "Well in that case the donkey says moo."

"Wait wha-"

"It'll be fine. I know what I'm doing." Sweetypoo waved her off. "Err, sort of." He added as he cut piece of his trainer's ear off.

Leaf rolled her eyes. "What are you even trying to accomplish anyways?"

"I'm trying to cut the part of his brain that causes him to go insane out, that way we won't have to put up with this crap anymore."

"I don't think that's how it works, Sweetypoo."

"You know nothing! Nothing!" The Pikachu screeched, throwing a screwdriver in her direction.

Leaf caught it and threw it at Douche, who grabbed it in his mouth and ate it. Deciding not to question it, she went on.

"Y'know, this is problably why you guys never get anything done."

The Pikachu gave her a confused look. "Because we practice brain surgery?"

Leaf face-palmed. "No you imbosolic buffoon! Because you keep getting distracted with random crap! Seriously, this story has more filler then the Pokemin anime!"

"Now Leaf," Sweetypoo shook his head. "You know we can't accomplish the impossible. That's what Chuck Norris exists for."

The girl rolled her eyes. "A Chuck Norris joke. Real original."

The small yellow mouse ignored her. "I think I'm done here. All I need to do is sew his skull b-"

"I'm so sorry mom! Don't use the rubber hose!" Red screamed suddenly, sitting up so fast that his brain flew out of his head.

"-itch." Sweetypoo finished, looking irritated. "How the bloody hell did that happen?"

Meanwhile, Douche was poking curiously at Red's discarded brain.

Leaf slapped his hand away. "Don't eat that!" Turning to the Pikachu, she asked, "Do you think Red's going to want his brain back?"

"Nah, he'll grow one back in a couple of seconds."

"How is th-"

"He's Red."

"... Oh right."

There was an awkward pause.

"...So I can join you guys right?" Leaf asked, looking slightly hopeful.

Red raised what remained of his eyebrow. "Who are you?"

"I'm Canada." A quiet voice whispered from behind them.

The foursome turned around, expressions confused. Standing before them was some blonde dude with this random-ass curl thingy and a pair of glasses. In his arms was what looked like a Teddiursa, but it wasn't a Teddiursa because it was a polar bear.

"Then why didn't you just say it was a polar bear?" Leaf questioned the author.

... Screw you, that's why.

Red blinked. "How long have you been there?"

"Canada" smiled awkwardly. "Actually I've been with you the whole journey, I was wondering when you would notice me." His voice broke a bit at the end of the scentence.

"Who?" The polar bear asked, looking up.

"AHH! F*CKING POLAR BEARS CAN TALK APPARENTLY!" Douche screamed like Kyouhei, running around in circles.

Leaf kicked him in the jaw with her hand.

"Okaaay..." Red turned away from their apparent stalker. "So, girl with the weird hat, what's your name?"

"Leaf."

"Leaf?"

"Leaf."

"Twig!" Douche spoke up cheerfully.

Sweetypoo groaned. "He's going to wake up without a face tomorrow, I swear."

"How can I wake up if I don't have eyelids?"

"That's... Actually a really good point, I'm afraid to say."

Red looked around. "It's not like I care or anything, but where's Pedophile?"

The Pikachu waved him off. "He's only around when the "plot" demands so."

"Hehe... Plot..." Douche giggled.

...

"...What?"

"Oh nothing, you wouldn't get it."

"...Let's leave." Red suggested.

The girl nodded. "Agreed."

**000~Two whole seconds later~000**

The five-some (because apparently Pedophile is back) stood in front of the most beautiful building they had ever seen. It's gorgeous crimson roof shone in the picturesque sunlight, pretty beams of stunning golden light shining gloriously down in a splendid manner. The attractive while walls glittered like the most ravishing diamonds in the history of this pulchritudinous world. A handsome pink glow was pleasantly visible from the lovely inside and-

"Holy crap how many different words for beautiful are there?" The author gaped, staring down at the Thesaurus.

"Wow. That building looks nice." Douche remarked in a monotone.

Leaf gave him an odd look. "Dude, that's creepy."

Red ignored the two. "I don't wanna go in."

"Why not?" His rival looked hurt.

"Because I know that every time we go somewhere new, something even STUPIDER then before is going to happen!"

"Is that even possible?" The girl questioned.

"Apparently."

Douche started to pout. "Please Red!"

The black haired trainer looked away.

Sweetypoo nudged his trainer. "He's going to start crying."

Pedophile laughed. "Why would you want him in the building when you can have him in your bed?"

Red didn't move.

"I'm not moving!"

Leaf groaned. "Red, you're being a child!"

"Would a child do this? La la la la, I'm not listening!"

"Yes, actually. That is exactly what a child would do."

"I'm sorry, what?" He asked, giving her a dirty look. "I'm too busy not being childish."

"Would you cut that out?"

"La la la!"

"Seriously." Leaf was losing her temper.

"Then maybe you should find it!"

And there goes the fourth wall... Dammit, that took forever to build.

"GUYS!" Douche yelled, causing them both to freeze. "If you don't stop bickering and being little babies I'm going to call my girlfriend on you!"

His rival smirked. "I'm not scared of some stupid girl!"

"Oh really? I thought you were terrified of your mom." He gave Red a sly look.

"Now that was just low." Sweetypoo muttered.

The black haired trainer froze. "M-my mom?"

"Yep."

There was a pause.

"EVERYBODY GET INSIDE!" Red screamed, grabbing his rival by the hair and pulling him towards the building.

"Ohhh, I'd gladly get inside you~!" Pedophile giggled.

...

"EVERYBODY BUT PEDOPHILE GET INSIDE!"

The man made an attempt to follow his trainer and the others inside, but fortunately got the door slammed and locked in his face.

Pedophile whimpered pathetically.

** 0**

Inside the building was just like the outside, only with slightly less synonyms. On one side, there was nothing but a useless potted plant, and on the other, there was a long desk that some brown haired kid was sitting behind. He had a hat on that was like, totally taken from Red's, and a name tag that read "Black."

All in all, he seemed normal enough.

However, as the group of losers-

"Excuse me?"

Sorry. As the group of wondrous friends walked bye, he all the sudden spoke up.

"Stop! In the name of love!"

Red sighed.

'Whatever you do, don't lose your temper.' He reminded himself.

"Yes?" Leaf walked up to 'Black.'

Black looked down at a random-ass clipboard that was on the table. "I'm afraid I can't let you pass unless you state why you want to enter the city."

"Umm... Why?" The black haired trainer questioned.

"Because a threat has been made against Pewter city, so it's my duty to protect it and all of it's civilians!" He struck a dramatic pose.

"What civilians? And who in the right mind would make a threat against there? It's just a bunch of rocks!"

Sweetypoo groaned. "Rocks? I can see where this is going."

"I once had a pet rock." Douche perked up. "But I forgot to feed it."

Red gave him a look. "You don't feed rocks."

"That 's what my mom said..."

Black started talking again. "All I need is your reasoning and I'll let you pass."

"We want to challenge the gym." Leaf told him, somehow already knowing that.

"No, no, no." Red stopped her. "I want to challenge the gym. Your a girl, girls can't be champions."

The girl huffed angerly. "That's sexist."

"T-the gym?" Black stuttered, looking pale.

"Umm, yes?"

"W-why?"

Red blinked. "Y'know, to become the very best."

"Like no one ever was?" Douche offered.

"To touch them is his real test?" Pedophile suggested. "And to f*ck them is his cause?"

And POP goes your childhood.

"Never speak again." The spiky haired rival told his Pokemon.

Black started shuddering like crazy, dropping his clipboard.

"Are you alright?" Leaf asked.

His head snapped up. "I'M GOING TO BE THE POKEMON MASTER AND NOTHING, NOTHING IS GOING TO STOP ME! NOT YOU, OR YOU, OR YOU!" He pointed to each of them in turn.

"Surskit Crist!" Red exclaimed, covering what was left of his ears.

His Pokemon did the same. "What's wrong with this kid?"

"I'LL NEVER LET YOU THROUGH! NEVER! NOT IF IT INVOLVES YOU GETTING IN THE WAY OF MY DREAMS!"

Leaf cringed. "Can you please stop yelling? You're f*cking up my eardrums!"

Black snorted. "KIDS THESE DAYS, THEY DON'T BUILD THEM LIKE THEY USED TO!"

"That's because they don't build kids." Red muttered.

"WHAT ABOUT THAT MOVIE?"

"What movie?!"

"THE ONE WITH ALL THE ROBOTS!"

"Umm... Robots?"

"YEAH, THAT ONE!"

"Well... It's a movie."

"IT IS A VERY GOOD MOVIE! I WATCH IT WITH MY GIRLFRIEND!"

"How the hell did he get a girlfriend?" Leaf questioned.

"EBay?" Sweetypoo shrugged.

Red was getting pissed. "Look, that's nice but-"

"SEVEN TIMES!"

"Okay, I don't-"

"AM I INTERRUPTING YOU?"

"Y-"

"'CAUSE I TEND TO DO THAT!"

"Clearl-"

"A LOT!"

"I ge-"

"ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S COMPLETELY UNESSASARY!"

"SHUT UP!" He finally snapped.

There was an awkward silence.

"That was rude Red." Douche whined.

"I was being rude? What about him?!"

"You really should have been more considerate." Lead scolded.

"B-but-"

"HE HURT MY FEELINGS!" Black sobbed.

"You see that Red?" His rival growled. "You made him cry!"

"That was unessasary." Sweetypoo joined in.

Red's eye twiched.

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Wow." Leaf muttered, looking dumbfounded. "Look, I know you were mad at us but did you really have to set the place on fire?" She took a glance back at the burning building.

"Yes." Red responded nonchalantly.

Sweetypoo was grumbling. "I thought that was my job."

"Hey guys, look!" Douche yelled joyfully. "Rocks!"

It was true. As it turns out, Pewter city is nothing but some heaps of rocks, a Pokècenter and a Gym. There is literally nothing else. No trees, no grass, no sky.

Just. F*cking. Rocks.

Pedophile looked uninterested. "I've seen more rocks in my lifetime."

"Oh god I hope that doesn't have a second meaning." The girl looked ill.

"Hey look." Red sounded bored. "A gym. I am going to challenge it."

"Not before you heal your Pokemon!" Douche told him.

"No. I'm not doing that."

"Hell yeah you are!" The asshole grabbed his rival by the arm and dragged him towards the Pokècenter.

"...I hate my life."

**~I don't usually catch Rattata's, but when I do, They're always in top percentage!~**

"Have you even wonder why the nurses say that they hope to see you again?" Leaf asked as they entered the building. "Do they want our pets to get severally injured or something?"

"Nah, she just wants to touch your balls." Douche yawned.

The girl started gagging.

However, when they arrived at the counter to heal their (Red's) Pokemon, some random dude with spiky brown hair was already there, talking with the nurse.

Red gasped. "Someone who isn't me needs to heal their Pokemon? That's unheard of! We must speak to this offender!"

"So I really need you to heal my rocks." The man was saying to the nurse.

The nurse, who's name was Nurse, sweat dropped. "Your what?"

He smiled. "You know, my Pokemon. Two Geodudes and an Onyx?"

"I'm still not exactly sure what you're asking me." nurse Nurse sighed.

"Just grab my balls!" He shoved three Pokèballs at her.

"Hey!" Red shouted at the guy. "Only I'm aloud to use Pokecenters! Your just supposed to sit around and say the same thing over and over again!"

He turned around, smiling. "You must be a challenger to the gym!"

"What's it to ya'?"

"I'm Brock, the leader of the gym. And I can promise you, both me, and my Pokemon, are very, very, _hard."_

**000000000000000000000000000**

**Well that's one way to end a chapter. **

**Anyways, thank you all for reading and reviewing! You're all awesome! **

**"Wait." Red interrupted, looking beyond pissed. "This chapter didn't have the content that I was supposed to warn the readers about!"**

**Yeah, I moved that to the next chapter to keep the lengths consistent.**

**He started to twich. "You...What?!" **

**Hehe, look how angry you are and HOLY CRAP WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT SHOT GUN?! HOLY CRAP, NOOOOKFYHDFZZ:};;~~;(#_dffRRtafG373758;!;;.t**

**... **

**Bye. **


	9. Chapter 9: Brock is hard, Very hard

**"Hey guys!" Douche waved that the readers, smiling like a crazy horse. "Because Red's an incompetent little dick-" **

**"You. Are. Going. To. Die." Red growled. **

**"-The author instructed me to warn you guys about some crap. Because I'm her favorite!" He smiled joyfully at the thought that someone actually liked him. **

**Other then his mother. **

**And that's only on Tuesday nights. **

**She makes good cheesecake by the way. **

**"Uhh, Author?" Leaf questioned, looking around nervously. "You know there's no fourth wall, right? So we can hear everything you write." **

**Oh son of a donkey f*cking sh-**

**"Anyways," The asshole cut in. "This chapter contains some bad content. Yucky stuff. My mommy would scold me for this. With a whip. On a Tuesday night. While shoving cake into my mouth. Covered in bugs. With a spork. Upside down. On a moutain. In space. Without cheeseballs!" **

**"No cheeseballs?!" Pedophile cried. **

**"Woah woah woah woah! Are you getting our mom's mixed up?" Red grumbled. **

**"Depends. Which ones got the birth mark shaped like Austria?" **

**There was a pause. **

**"...Yeah that's mine. Your's has the fetish for glow-in-the-dark ant farms."**

**Sweetypoo glared at them. "Why are we talking about this?" **

**Chapter start! **

**000000000000000000000000000**

Red blinked.

"I'm sorry what?!"

Brock smiled manically. "You know. Hard. Exited."

"I... Still don't get what your saying."

"Just touch my bal-"

"Who says I can't be a trainer?" Lead questioned, looking irritated.

Sweetypoo burried his face in his hands. "We aren't talking about that anymore, Leaf."

"Good. Because I can."

"Okay, We get it! Holy f*ck!"

Douche started jumping up and down with exitment.

"Hey look guys, rocks!" He exclaimed, pointing out the window.

"SHUT UP!" Everyone yelled.

"Anyways," Brock checked his watch. "I better go to the gym, where we can f*ck in private."

"...what."

"I mean fight. Yeah... Fight... Hehehehe... Fight... Heh."

The was an awkward silence.

Brock exlploded.

"...Uhh." Pikachu blinked. "...The f*ck?"

"It's better we don't question these things." Red told him. "Things will only end up getting worse."

"Like that problem you have with wetting the bed?" Nurse Nurse spoke up.

The trainer was taken aback. "H-how the...Waah?"

Pedophile raised his pitching arm. "I've been emailing her all your personal information. By accident."

"...How to YOU know that?"

"Uhh, Red?" Douche grinned sheepishly. "You know that one time we ate too much broccoli before brushing our teeth?"

"No."

"Well, it appears that the unicorn doesn't like watermelon."

Red's eyes widened. "You don't mean-?"

"'Fraid so, bra."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

"Um, am I missing something?" Lead asked, looking slightly concerned.

"-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

Pikachu yawned. "Not as much as Red is."

"-OOOOOOOO0OOOOOOOOOOO-"

"...What's Red missing?"

"-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

"Sanity, his virginity, his wallet, which, by the way, is totally not my fault, a ball of yawn, freedom, his father, his brother who is problably going to show up in a few chapters (see what I did there? Foreshadowing!), the meaning if life, half his face, also not my fault, some lint, two paper clips, a proper education, more then half a Pokemon team, a love for fighting bug trainers, a love for bug trainers, love in general, a good supporting cast, continuity, a spot at the top of the food chain, the champion title, eight gym badges, friendship, magic, ponies and a singing walrus."

"-OOOO- Hey, no. I have most of those things. Sorta. Not really. Okay, no, but still, I lived with my dad. What did you expect?"

"Uhh..." Leaf looked uncomfterable. "Your dad's dead."

"...NOOOOO-"

~* Ten pancreas removals later. *~

"Do you think you could've went easier on the liquid nitrogen?" Red groaned, rubbing his head.

Sweetypoo shrugged. "Blame Surshit."

The shiny Charzard roared in anger.

"Surskit, _sorry_."

"Well I think we should of used more." Pedophile huffed, crossing his arms in anger.

"Of course you do." Leaf muttered.

Red was just about to kill them all and feed their entrails to a Meowth, kinda like that one part in the Hunger Games, when he suddenly noticed that Douche was drinking something that looked like coffee. Normally, he wouldn't give to craps about these kind if things, but he knew that because the author is a massive troll, that it probably wasn't coffee at all.

"Douche, what are you drinking?"

The asshole looked up. "I have no idea. I found it in your mom's room. A fairy gave it to me."

The future champion froze. "M-my mom's room?"

"Uuuuuh, huuuuh."

"...Douche you might just be drinking 78% alcohol mixed with gasoline."

"Thhat wwoulld explain the minbgjdjshdgxvgb..." Douche started staring off into nothing.

Leaf waved her arm in front of his face, hoping for a response.

When she got none, the girl turned back to Red.

"I didn't think this was possible, but he's even more brain-dead then usual."

"Hey!" The rival snapped. "I started beaching those packages even before the train could touch my mule you bloody git! Guts are ment for the barby, mahn!"

Red sighed. "Yep. Someone's going to sue us."

"Didn't P.E.T.A already do that?" Sweetypoo questioned his trainer.

"Now what did I tell you about saying that name? We say "them who shall not be named!'"

Leaf looked shocked. "P.E.T.A is Voldemort? That explains so much..."

"That's not at all what I- Oh hey look we're here." Red cut himself off as they arrived at the building.

She blinked. "Weren't we just inside the Pokècenter? How'd we get over here?"

"...I'm Red."

"Oh right."

Suddenly, Brock was right beside them, grinning pervertedly.

"I'm so glad you came." He greeted.

Pedophile did a spit take.

"I love you man."

The gym leader turned to him. "I love everything."

"Of course you do." Leaf sighed.

"_Physically_."

"Of course you do."

"Hey!" Douche started slapping the dude. "No more bunnies until you clean up your death notevdhdysfdtfzTRfg;g...Eh..."

Sweetypoo quickly hid a black book behind his back.

"Dammit he knows!" The Pikachu cursed silently.

"Dammit I know!"

"Okay," Red spoke up, interrupting the commotion. "How about we battle?"

Brock perked up. "I'd... _Love_ too!"

"I mean with our pokemon!"

"I know what you meant, suger baby mc. Honey Boo Boo!"

"...You know, your Onix, my Pikachu?"

Brock nodded enthusiastically.

"...Well okay then." Red muttered.

The gym leader turned around, licking his lips. Almost at the door, he stopped and addressed his challenger.

"Remember, your body must be ready."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Bye :D"

There was an awkward silence as Brock entered the building.

"Uhh..." Leaf scratched her head. "You... You sure you wanna go in there?"

Red nodded. "This time, there'll be no interruptions-"

**~*We interrupt this message for an important message.~**

**...Wait, what? **

**Lesson: The world's not always going to make sense, but when it does, that situation is not now. **

"Man," Gold laughed, leaning back in his chair. "It sure is awesome that professor Oak left the most immature of all the Pokèdex holders in charge of an entire breeding agency, what could go wrong?"

A sudden knock on the door alerted the breeder of another's presence. Straightening up, he called:

"Come in!"

The door swung open to reveal a middle aged woman with a smile that could put the sun out of buisness.

"Hello," She greeted politely, bowing randomly despite the fact he was way younger then her. "I was wondering if you could breed two of my Pokemon for me."

"Sure, which ones?" Gold looked down at his clipboard that he used to draw picture of kittens when he was bored.

With a smile, the woman withdrew to Pokèballs from her bag. With them, she sent out two Pokèmon: A Wailord and a Dugtrio.

"These two."

The breeder's face fell. "Dafuq?"

**Lesson: When faced with problems, do the only thing that's right. **

**(This does count as public service, right? RIGHT?!) **

"Hey Gold." Silver said in a monotone, looking extreamly bored. "I challenge you to a battle."

"Alright!" His rival cheered.

The red haired g- I mean, boy, sighed. "If I win, can I become the main character?"

Gold's face fell. "Rice. Rice crackers from Violet city."

"That's what I thought you would say." Silver groaned, turning around to leave. "I'm going to go undress Sapphire or something, maybe mess up her plans as well when I'm at it."

000000000000000000000000000

Red frowned. "The sh*t was that?"

Sweetypoo waved him off as they walked through the door. "The author stole some tinfoil from a hobo and used it to make a kiwi milker, so now she has to serve some public service."

You swore you wouldn't tell!

As they entered the building, which by the way, was full of rocks (what a surprise), something clear suddenly smacked Red on the side of his face.

"I DIDN'T KNOW IT COUUULDZ RAhanE TurkYY!" Douche screamed loudly, grabbing into his rival's shoulder.

The future champion kicked him away. "Get off me! And who the hell threw..." He inspected the object, "A fresh water? What the frig?"

"That would be me." A voice rang out from beside them.

Standing there was pretty much a basic description of a pedophile: thick black glasses, a creepy smile, big hands and grey hair. The pedophile, who isn't Pedophile, by the way, was rubbing his enormous appendages together gleefully, twitching madly.

Red backed up slowly. "Uhh..."

"Stop, drop and roll, Red!" Douche cried fearfully. "Stop, drop and roll!"

"...Why?"

The rival started crying. "I DON'T KNOW!"

"My name is Clyde!" 'Clyde' the phycho Pedo giggled. "Do you like your... _Freessshhh waaattteeerrr_?"

"You mean spiked water, right?" Leaf asked.

"Ye- No! Why would you think that, juicy little child?"

Pedophile, the Pokemon Pedophile, not the other one, blinked. "I like this guy."

"Of course y-"

"Would you stop that?" Red groaned.

"No."

"Well, see you tonight, Red baby." Clyde winked, before disappearing.

Pikachu was dumbfounded. "Who the hell was that?"

Red grinned sheepishly. "...My mom."

000000000000000000000000000

"Why the hell did that guy have two ground type Pokemon in a rock type gym?" Leaf as asked as they approached the gym leader.

"The world's not always going to make sense, but when it does, that situation is not now." Sweetypoo said wisely.

Red gave him a look. "Where the Muk did you learn that?"

"Oh, somewhere..." Pikachu grinned.

Making the smart decision not to say anything, the trainer shrugged and walked up to where Brock was standing.

And by standing, I mean seriously, the dude wasn't even breathing.

"Um, hi." Red greeted awkwardly. "You wanted to fight me in a not perverted way, right?"

The gym leader didn't respond, only kept staring into nothing.

"Um, Brock?"

No reply.

Red started poking him. "Seriously, you're creeping me out!"

Brock finally responded. Out of the corner of his mouth, he whispered:

"Press the A button!"

"What?!"

Pedophile was the one to answer. "He says he wants you and me to f-"

"Shut it." Sweetypoo warned.

"Press the A button!" The gym leader hissed again.

"Umm... I press, the... A button?" Red was genuinely confuzzled. ("That's not a word," Leaf muttered.)

Brock suddenly sprang into action. "I'm so glad you could make it! My Pokemon are super hard and pumped with iron defense-"

"What?"

"Let's b-b-battle!" He cheered, then back flipped away from his challenger.

Eyes wide, Red backed away slowly.

"Rrrright. Uh, go, Sweetypoo...?"

Lead blinked. "Red why do you want him to crap?"

"What? That's not at all what I meant!"

Sweetypoo sighed and dragged his legs into the arena, which was apparently there. Brock smiled like a stalker at hot tub.

"Go Geodude!" He shouted, releasing the Pokemon from it's ball of misery and despair.

The rock-like Pokemon floated out onto the stage. A couple seconds of silence passed, before it fell to the ground, unmoving.

Red gave the gym leader an odd look. "H-have you been feeding these things?"

Leaf froze. "Wait, you're supposed to feed you Pokemon?"

Pedophile locked his lips. "I'll _feed_ your _Pokèmon_ anyday, sugarplum!"

Ignoring the Pokemon, the trainer replied, "Uh, yeah."

The girl paled. "Would you, um, exuse me for a second, I-I need to go water my cat."

With that said, she ran out of the gyms.

Douche snorted. "Damn kidzzzzzzzzzzzz... PIE!"

"Well played, well played." Brock smirked. "But that was the soft part of this... 'game.'-"

"Oh GOD!"

"Now, my last rock is much tougher then that one!"

"Wait," Sweetypoo cut in. "I thought you had three Pokemon?"

He shook his head sadly. "No, after an incident involving a chainsaw, I am left with only two rocks. Shame."

Red looked sick.

"FUNNY, ME TOO!" Douche agreed loudly.

His rival patted him on the shoulder. "Go get some water, Douche. You don't know what you're saying."

"OKAY HONEY!"

"Doouucchhe, I told you not to call me that in public!" Red hissed.

Sweetypoo sighed. Turning to the author, he asked: "Can we just end this now? I have some anime to be watching."

**000000000000000000000000000**

**Fine. **

**"Wow Red," Leaf muttered, looking unimpressed. "Nine chapters and not a single gym badge. You must really suck at life." **

**The to-be Champion glared at her. "Blame the author." **

**Hey! I'm trying my best! **

**"That's really sad, you know." Sweetypoo told her. **

**Thanks you guys. **

**"YOU'RE WELCOME!" Black screamed. **

**I was being sarcastic. **

**"You could just hire a bunch of half dead monkeys again," Leaf offered. "That worked last time. Actually, that story was a lot better." **

**...No... Even the monkey's quit. **

**Anyways, thanks SOO much to all who review or read this story. It means a LOT to me. **

**'Till next time, **

**~*Galefire, an author who can't seem to get her own characters to like her. Despite the fact she's in complete control over them. **

**Heh. **


End file.
